Away from home over Christmas and out of routine I have mostly failed to do daily 'formal' practice (and I'm missing it!) but I have noticed mindfulness with me in how I relate to people, respond to my thoughts and emotions, and help two excited young boys handle their own. I've truly savoured many moments with them too.
A couple of times I've found myself reacting in the moment in ways I am not proud of - ungraciously in response to feeling indignant, unfairly while feeling frustrated... I've reminded myself that there is value in learning from this retrospective awareness, from being given cause to reflect, and also in the opportunity to practise treating myself compassionately when I make a mistake... we're human.
22 Comments
Stepping back and noticing...
As my 4 year old seemingly without care knocks the box of paper and pens off the bench and they spill across the floor for the third time this morning and and it is only 10am and he has been making demands on me since 7am because he has me all to himself today️ and he is going to make the most of it... Noticing in this moment my frustration rising into my throat ready to snap and bark. Reminding myself that this is a natural reaction coming from my brain and not my fault. Things are suddenly not as a I want them to be. Noticing the thought that I just finally sat down to a cup of tea and it is absolutely the right temperature to drink right now. Noticing the worried look on his face as I crouch down to the spilled pens, wondering what I am going to say now, sensing my annoyance. Noticing the thought that it was a mistake born out of clumsiness. Reminding myself that he doesn't have my back story in his mind, my tiredness, my resentment at the demands of the morning so far, my desire to just sit for a moment and drink a hot cup of tea. He has only his experience of the day, and of this moment. Noticing his frown as he prepares to vent anger because he fears and hates being blamed. This could get difficult. Catching my frustration, taking a breath, looking back up at him and suggesting in a calm voice that we could pick this up together. "Ok mummy, I'm sorry." We hug. "That's ok, it was an accident, it's happened three times this morning though so we can learn from this and try to be more careful next time." It's taken a long time to get to this place, and I still snap and bark especially when I am already under stress. But not as often, which feels good for all of us. Buddhist psychology brought to life by John Peacock in our latest MBCT teacher training day yesterday. John drew on a range of philosophies, including this quote on living in the present from Blaise Pascal's 'Pensees'... [we mustn't beat ourselves up about this state of affairs, it's human nature and promoted by our culture, but understanding the problem provides motivation for cultivating mindfulness so that we can 'fall awake' more often]
“We never keep to the present. We recall the past; we anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise that we wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the only one that is. The fact is that the present usually hurts. We thrust it out of sight because it distresses us, and if we find it enjoyable, we are sorry to see it slip away. We try to give it the support of the future, and think how we are going to arrange things over which we have no control for a time we can never be sure of reaching. Let each of us examine his thoughts; he will find them wholly concerned with the past or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means, the future alone our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.” Mindfulness-based approaches such as MBCT and MBSR are rooted in concepts from Buddhist psychology, as understood and taught 2500 years ago by the Buddha. In our taught day at the OMC yesterday, John Peacock helped make the Buddha’s teaching something very practical and relevant for me, in a way I haven’t experienced through reading books alone.
For example I struggle to grasp the concept of Anatta, or ‘not-self’. We have a physical self that exists in objective reality. But John emphasised that we have no FIXED self, although we may often feel as though we do. We are great at telling stories about ourselves and others, generated via our inner mental filters. We readily form these narratives as we seek to ‘fix’ things in place, so that we can feel more safe and secure in an impermanent world… “I am this type of person, I am not that type of person, he is a good person, she is not a good person”. But nothing is fixed, everything changes. And these invented narratives are often unhelpful – can we become more aware of them? The concept of there being no ‘fixed’ self is very familiar, from other philosophies, MBCT and mental health training, parenting approaches… - he is not a depressive, sometimes he experiences symptoms of depression - she is not a naughty girl, but that was a naughty thing to do - I am not a shy person, but sometimes I feel shy - happiness is happening, sadness is happening – our feelings are like weather, arising and passing away - my likes, dislikes and preferences may change - I am not my thoughts So much to think about and apply. My reading list just got a lot longer! I find this acronym 'NACC' in the Compassionate Mind approach helpful. The final C 'Change' could also be 'Choice' as the process empowers you to choose your response. The greatest challenge of course is remembering to do this, especially in the heat of the moment...
'Get the NACC': N - Notice what is flushing through you at this moment (pause) A - Accept, these thoughts and feelings are not of your choosing, they are often difficult, painful, but understandable C - Compassion, think about your struggles with real warmth and kindness C - Change (Choose), think with wisdom and strength about what would really help you in this moment and into the future. It isn't always possible or necessary to change - you may choose simply to notice and accept with compassion. Remembering this, or your own version of NACC, can help us avoid getting caught up in unhelpful mental habits, acting on autopilot, and being hijacked by strong emotions (we all experience these due to how our brains have evolved). As no stranger to the inner critic, I have been interested for a long time in cultivating compassion as part of mindfulness practice. Paul Gilbert's Compassionate Mind training is a 'mindfulness-informed' program (rather than a 'mindfulness-based' program like MBCT) but shares several underpinning ideas including an emphasis on acceptance, metacognition and how we relate to our experiences.
Feeling curious, I am currently working through a resource developed by netmums based on the work of Paul Gilbert and Michelle Cree and available here: https://www.netmums.com/sup…/the-compassionate-mind-approach |
AuthorI'm Claire - and I (re)learn something every day from practising and teaching mindfulness... Archives
March 2022
Categories |