I wrote two days ago of noticing signs of anxiety in my body, and linking this directly to being caught up in a spiral of frenzied doing, striving and over thinking. The invitation to journal during the MBCT teacher training course has had a downside for me - I regularly find that I have a running commentary in my head, analysing the implications of my formal and informal mindfulness practice as I go about my day. This has thrown up some valuable discoveries, but all too often takes the form of berating myself. And frankly way too much thinking thinking thinking. It feels counterproductive.
How to approach this mindfully? I think the answer is to notice (check!), enquire with curiosity and kindness (needs work!), allow what is here to be here (also needs work!) and choose how to respond. It’s not the practice of mindfulness that is at issue here of course, it is the well-honed habits of my mind, and its favourite pastimes of thinking, judging, comparing, planning… Which brings me to today, and a leap in my understanding of where I am right now: I spent the morning in flow happily working on a proposal, which included forays on the internet, skipping around between thought-provoking articles and getting more and more buzzy brained. I noticed hunger, I noticed thirst. I didn’t walk downstairs to get myself a drink, I just kept going (sadly this is not a new phenomenon), so that when I did head downstairs at 1.30pm, stopping for a timetabled breathing space I noticed raging hunger, raging thirst, a headache beginning, and my eyes feeling as though they were pulsing and popping under my eyelids. I also noticed utter frustration with myself, for not looking after myself, for not even getting the basics right. “Sort yourself out you idiot, how many times do you need to learn this?” I demanded of myself. Unkind, harsh words and feelings… would I talk to a friend like this? No way. And then something happened. I got up from my breathing space, and I went to prepare lunch. I decided to pick some rocket from the garden. I love rocket. I went out into the garden, and I stepped into another world. I felt tranquillity. I felt the sun on my back, noticed the cawing of crows in the field, the smells as I picked rocket leaves. I breathed it all in and I thought THIS is my life. I really love rocket. I came back inside and I wrote the only ‘to do’ list I really need: SLEEP (8 hours), DRINK water, PRACTICE (just to practice), EAT good stuff, GO OUTDOORS. Over lunch I allowed myself a page from a clean coaching book leant to me by a friend, and by beautiful coincidence, the page contained Aylin’s metaphor story… (see picture). Another message. I have fallen awake and am on the right track. After lunch, week 4 of the MBCT practices began – a longer sitting meditation allowing me the opportunity to notice my mind wandering over an extended period, with kindness and curiosity, and having time for it to settle, resting in the practice, opening and grounding. To cement it all at the end of the day, an evening with a very like-minded and good friend… stop thinking, just do what’s in front of you. Take the boys to school, practice, cook tea, read a book. Rein in all this thinking, and be in your life. Pare back projects for now (no matter how much they excite you), cut down on commitments, be mindful about use of social media, turn off the phone at 9pm, read a novel, timetable in chunks of nothing, to rest, walk, be. The last few weeks have been a time of real transition with both boys at school and starting a course that will hopefully taking me in a new, fulfilling direction. It’s a time to be excited, but above all right now it is a time to take care of myself, and to rest in awareness.
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Ever since going 'back to school' this autumn, for me and the boys, I seem to have been living in my head more than ever. And as I continue to notice familiar signs of mild anxiety simmering in my body during the first step of each breathing space (we are currently doing three a day), I find myself becoming increasingly infuriated by my stubbornly analytical 'doing' mode of mind. I'm practising diligently so what is going on with me? I seem to be forgetting the attitudes of mindfulness more with each practice! Non-striving, acceptance, non-judging, kindness...
The more I practice, the more introspective I seem to become, caught up in striving over and analysing the practice of mindfulness that until now I had credited with helping to keep me well and in balance. I wonder if others in my class are feeling something akin to this. I'd wonder about how an experienced mindfulness teacher would suggest I approach this hindrance, but I am too tired to wonder any more tonight... It's not mindfulness without kindness.
I've understood this at some level time and time again. But I'm beginning to see how it needs to be a consistent and integral part of all practice, for it to grow roots, deep and true. Stretch and breathe practice this morning, and a whole lot going on, thoughts, emotions, body sensations:
hunger, sense of a hollow stomach, worry about the practice because of this, perceived weakness, feeling a bit faint as I stretched, thoughts snowballing to whether I will be able to guide this practice myself (planning: I'll need to make sure I eat beforehand!), the rush of blood from my arms as I held them above my head, tingling, not pleasant, the need to bring my arms down, listening to my body and what it needs rather than pushing on and enduring ("this is not a bootcamp, quite the opposite"), journaling, the edges of stretching, mind wandering, bringing it back, anticipating next movements, the second arm's turn, thoughts about the past day and future plans, wondering how much longer this was going to be, a sense of wanting to be finished, irritation and impatience, discomfort in the chest triggering thoughts about what I can do to get rid of this, a brief spell of nonsensical, off-kilter thoughts and images signalling the border territory of sleep, and hunger. I have a very busy mind which at times can feel like a blessing (...creativity) or a curse (...anxiety) but is after all simply what it is, and I wouldn't change what it is for a thing.
It excelled itself in my body scan practice this morning, 45 minutes of wandering far and wide, pretty much constantly. I noticed myself feeling frustrated at spending so much time bringing it back to a focus point as directed by the guided practice. Reading our course book for this term, The Mindful Way through Depression, gave me a lovely reminder that this is the practice: 'If we see these "mind waves" as both natural and inevitable, then the very going away and coming back of our attention can be seen as the heart of the practice, not a lapse or a deviation or a distraction from it. For such goings and comings can teach us precisely what we need to learn: to recognise when we have drifted into doing mode, to disengage from any doing, and to enter and dwell in being.' |
AuthorI'm Claire - and I (re)learn something every day from practising and teaching mindfulness... Archives
March 2022
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