I realised today that it's never felt more important to hold space for ourselves, for loved ones, for friends, for members of our community.*
Just to be present for them, with tender heart and without judgement. At lunchtime our eldest son who is 9 cried ostensibly over dropped cucumber. Luckily I was on my game 😁 so rather than brush it aside, I pulled him onto my lap and held him close as he cried and cried and cried, releasing so much pent up anxiety and emotion. I rubbed his back and told him he was safe and that he should cry as much as he needed. After 5 minutes he climbed down, pulled his chair closer and got on with his sandwich. He's seemed lighter the rest of today. Later I felt the benefit myself of a paired listening call with a friend who held space for me. Having talked to her, listened for her, and then gone out for a fast walk in the wind I felt something heavy shift for me too. Here's a suggestion for how to hold space while physically distancing: try setting up a listening partnership (by phone or video call). I think most of us could benefit from having more space to be really listened to and heard. If you can hold a space for someone to experience this, it frees their mind to release whatever needs to release. Here's how paired listening works, it's quite different to our more usual ways of interacting, and it's powerful: - Establish guidelines and a timing plan. Agree how long you will each speak for. You could start with 5 minutes each or more if you are both feeling comfortable. One of you will need to keep an eye on time. Everything shared will be held in confidence, and it's OK to speak only when you feel moved to, silence is a gift too. - The first person begins by talking about whatever they would like to for 5 minutes (or for however long you have agreed). During this time the second person is the listener - listening whole heartedly as best they can, with openness, warmth and non-judgement. - Then you swap. And after you have both had the opportunity to be listened to, you can go again, or move gently into two-way conversation, continuing to practice mindful speech as you go. I find one of the main difficulties I contend with when I'm called upon to listen is my mind's travels, the inner chatter. It can mean I am not really present for the person speaking. So if you notice that thinking of any flavour is here while you are the listener - perhaps some 'me tooing' or judging thoughts, or another kind of reaction such as the urge to offer advice - for this exercise see if you can let those thoughts and urges just come and go with kindness. It's not easy but we can practice. As best you can see if you can listen to understand rather than to respond. Holding space for someone in this way, and in turn being held, is a beautiful thing. Do give it a go.
0 Comments
I find great joy in meeting in person to practice, but as that's not currently possible we can do the next best thing - I've set up some weekly sessions on Thursday evenings to share practice together online. While we are physically distancing there are still ways that we can find emotional closeness and support. I have been greatly encouraged in this by recent experiences of teaching online and gathering as part of other virtual groups.
More information about timings and my hopes for the sessions please click this link: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/guided-mindfulness-meditation-online-by-mindfulness-for-life-tickets-100704490843. You can also join our closed practice group on Facebook to stay updated (https://www.facebook.com/mindfulnessforlifeuk/). Do get in touch if you have any questions or suggestions. 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference' ~Serenity Prayer This shared post brought to mind another book I am working my way through - 'Live like a Stoic' by Massimo Pigliucci and Gregory Lopez. It has 52 exercises to practice through a year or to dip into. There is a lot of commonality between Stoic philosophy and Buddhist thought, and I am enjoying reading about 'being human' from another perspective. If you're feeling a bit Edward, I can recommend putting a favourite uplifting song on loud and singing even louder.
More on turning towards the good stuff... Has anyone else got a gratitude jar gathering dust?
Inclining the mind towards appreciation and the positive (in the face of a natural human bias for the negative) is incredibly powerful. The greatest challenge is to remember, to help this become a habit. I saw recently the suggestion that while we wash our hands for 20 seconds we could bring our attention to three things we are grateful for in our lives and smile. The more specific you can be the better. This is inclining the mind 😊 For our family what I have personally come to find is that genuinely modelling joy and appreciation (expressing these feelings when we notice the lovely in the moment as we live our lives) works better for us than scheduled gratefulness naming sessions, which felt more forced and then became a passing fad - although I know others who have made this a lovely addition to their days. Like so many things this starts with us and what we model. And if you notice a flurry of thoughts and emotions on reading these words (I definitely do!), wrap it all up in loving kindness and start from wherever you are. That will always be good enough. I've been at home with the boys these last few days and my gaze has already begun to fall upon the forgotten corners of the house that are normally ignored in the flurry of daily life (the neglected gratitude jar being one of them).
Under my bed - amongst other things - I have a pile of half-read books on the go. Here's one I recall really appreciating that I perhaps should have made more of an effort to finish?! I've also noticed more impulses than ever to check the news and social media so I am going to have a go at switching off by 9pm at the latest, and see whether I can finish this and other half-read treasures... I've seen the below shared by friends and think the essence is really helpful so am sharing here.
Children (all of them? certainly some of them even more than others...) need routine to help them feel more secure, but please let's not rush to over-timetable them, replacing cancelled commitments with a whole new raft of online ones, filling every moment with structured activity, increasing everyone's anxiety and stress levels at the same time. For all the uncertainty and pain we face, and there is plenty to come I know, we've also been given a rare opportunity, to pause, to let go of some of the non-essential busyness and to find some space to just be together. We can swap some of our human doing for human being. I know this is especially hard for so many parents still under the pressures of work and financial worry. I wish as a society we could be empowered to radically shift the balance, prioritising wellbeing over 'productivity'. But there is a window here, in a time of massive change, to see if we can find the spaces to just be together doing 'nothing' more often. >>>> Dear parents with school aged children You might be inclined to create a minute by minute schedule for your kids. You have high hopes of hours of learning, including online activities, science experiments, and book reports. You’ll limit technology until everything is done! But here’s the thing... Our kids are just as scared as we are right now. Our kids not only can hear everything that is going on around them, but they feel our constant tension and anxiety. They have never experienced anything like this before. Although the idea of being off of school for 4 weeks sounds awesome, they are probably picturing a fun time like summer break, not the reality of being trapped at home and not seeing their friends. Over the coming weeks, you will see an increase in behavior issues with your kids. Whether it’s anxiety, or anger, or protest that they can’t do things normally - it will happen. You’ll see more meltdowns, tantrums, and oppositional behavior in the coming weeks. This is normal and expected under these circumstances. What kids need right now is to feel comforted and loved. To feel like it’s all going to be ok. And that might mean that you tear up your perfect schedule and love on your kids a bit more. Play outside and go on walks. Bake cookies and paint pictures. Play board games and watch movies. Do a science experiment together or find virtual field trips of the zoo. Start a book and read together as a family. Snuggle under warm blankets and do nothing. Don’t worry about them regressing in school. Every single kid is in this boat and they all will be ok. When we are back in the classroom, we will all course correct and meet them where they are. Teachers are experts at this! Don’t pick fights with your kids because they don’t want to do math. Don’t scream at your kids for not following the schedule. Don’t mandate 2 hours of learning time if they are resisting it. If I can leave you with one thing, it’s this: at the end of all of this, your kids’ mental health will be more important than their academic skills. And how they felt during this time will stay with them long after the memory of what they did during those 4 weeks is long gone. So keep that in mind, every single day. Stay safe. X I'm seeing lots of articles along these lines now and am hopefully sharing the good ones without inundating you.
'Without awareness, we can’t change what we’re doing. Awareness is always the first step.' https://www.lionsroar.com/take-a-mindful-approach-to-covid-19/ Why mindfulness? There are so many answers to that question - many of them soft and beautiful - but here in a nutshell is an answer for these particular times and for any time when we face fear.
Every word of this 👌 'Sometimes we think of mindfulness as fluffy and soft. But mindfulness is built for difficulty. It’s like a Hummer without the gas guzzling, capable of traveling over rough terrain while keeping its occupants above ground.' "You’ve been training for this, and now it’s time to use your practice." https://www.mindful.org/how-mindfulness-can-help-you-navigate-the-coronavirus-panic/ This is rather lovely.
Mindfulness practice helps us gently 'incline the mind' towards the things we want to nurture. As we grow self-awareness, we are more able to choose which thoughts and stances we feed... This has reminded me of the tale of two wolves: One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. “My dear one, the battle between two ‘wolves’ is inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good. It is: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied, “The one you feed.” |
AuthorI'm Claire - and I (re)learn something every day from practising and teaching mindfulness... Archives
March 2022
Categories |